If you, or someone you know, battles with depression, then you understand how incredibly difficult it can be just to do simple tasks. For myself, I can typically do what I know that I have to do, even when it’s debilitating, simply because I know that I don’t have a choice.
Getting up to get my son ready for school, getting myself ready for work, dropping him off, and going into work is something that I have no choice but to do. The bills have to be paid, we have to eat, he has to have an education. These are things I simply cannot avoid, even though 90% of the time, I truly wish that I could.
But, there is also a lot of things that I do not make time to get to when I’m struggling really bad. The house is a wreck, dishes are piled up, I haven’t showered in a few days, all I want to do is go to bed (even if I can’t sleep), my son has cereal for dinner, and so on. I desperately need to cry, but I can’t because I feel numb. What am I supposed to do?
For as long as I can remember, I’ve always been sad. Happiness was hard to come by, and even when I found it, it was extremely temporary in comparison to the sadness I felt. Depression is unbearable at times, but it’s also one of the only things I’ve ever known.
In 2013, I was officially diagnosed with depression and anxiety. Even though it was bad at times, it didn’t get really bad until a couple of years later. From then, it was a rollercoaster of high’s and low’s, but every time I was low, it was worse than the time before. I didn’t know what was wrong with me, and why I couldn’t be “fixed.”
Sometimes it is still hard for me. I’m on medication for my depression, but it doesn’t always help when it gets really bad. After managing it for this long, you’d think I’d have a better hold on it at times, but it’s not that simple.
As some of you know, we recently lost my Papa a little over two months ago. I still have not grieved. Not only because I’m struggling emotionally to do so, but I’m having to deal with my son’s behavioral issues with his grief right now. It was an extremely difficult loss for our family.
Since then, it has just been one thing on top of another, on top of another. Stress and issues arise in everyday life, and that’s to be expected. But non-stop for two months straight is exhausting. I’m emotionally overwhelmed, and physically exhausted.
Depression is not easy to live with, and it’s not easy to watch someone you love and care about go through. You feel helpless. You’re struggling to survive, every single day. It’s not easy, and sometimes you question if it’s worth the fight anymore, but I have to believe that someday, it will be OK.
If you ever need someone to talk to who understands, feel free to reach out to me at any time. My inbox is always open, and I’m a great listener. Often times, our mental illness leads us to believe that we are taking on this fight of ours entirely alone, but I promise you that is not the case. Find someone you love and trust, or even anonymously reach out to a stranger. Someone is there to listen. I am always here to listen. Keep fighting; don’t give up.