Whether or not you choose to admit it, we all have fears of some kind. It doesn’t have to be the common fear of darkness, snakes, clowns, or something of that nature, but we are all afraid of something.
In today’s challenge, I’m here to share with you 3 legitimate fears that I have. There are more than 3, but I figured that I would share a few of my top fears. Do not judge me because we all fear things differently, but I chose to discuss these for a reason. So, here we go.
Go figure, right? I know, this one is pretty common for a lot of people, but I don’t think you realize how serious this one is for me. I’m not kidding, either. Whether it is a tarantula, daddy long leg, or the teeniest, tiniest spider that can barely be seen by the human eye, I will cry if it gets too close to me, or I will become paralyzed with fear and unable to move, run, or scream.
I vividly remember driving to work one day when out of nowhere, a spider was coming down from my visor. ON THE DRIVER SIDE. WHERE I WAS. DRIVING DOWN THE ROAD. I pulled over so fast, and leaned my seat back as far as I could just to get away from it. I, then, had to find something to kill the spider with before having a panic attack.
Another time, I was driving down the road and came to a red light. My window was barely cracked open for a little air. Upon looking to my left to watch for the other light to turn red, I noticed a spider and it’s web blowing in the wind from the traffic light.. coming in my direction. In the back of my head, I just knew it, but what are the odds that this damn spider and his web flew INTO my car from tiny, cracked window? MY DAMN LUCK. Spiders are no joke, and I wish they were all extinct. Period.
#2: Burying My Mom, Son, or SO
This is probably another common fear for others – burying someone we love with our entire being. It’s an unimaginable pain that, unfortunately, we will all have to endure at some point. Do not take those that you love for granted. Apologize, hold them close, and make as many memories as you can before it’s too late.
My Mom is my best friend, and has been my entire life. She is truly my world. I couldn’t imagine my life without her in it, and I’m beyond grateful to call her my Mom. She’s been by my side through so much, and she has helped me get my shit together more times than I can count. Never disowned me, but always taught me. Believed in me when no one else would. Encouraged me to be my best self. I wouldn’t be the woman that I am today without her.
My baby boy is my reason for existing. He has saved my life countless times, and pulled me out of some of my darkest moments. I cannot tell you the amount of times he has prevented me from making permanent, selfish, reckless decisions, and I am thankful to be his mother. I’m not perfect, and I make mistakes often. Sometimes I yell more than I should, say/do things that I shouldn’t, and fuck up (for lack of a better word), but I never stop trying – for him. He is my Sunshine, and I will love him with every piece of my heart until I’m no longer able.
My boyfriend, one day fiancé, and someday husband, is the best thing to ever happen to my son and I. After all that I’ve dealt with in my past relationship, I’m truly the luckiest woman in the world to be accepted, loved, respected, cared for, and wanted by this man. He knows me from the inside out, and still chooses to stay. My flaws are, well, pretty flawed, but he loves me through each and every one of them. We have had our fair share of hard times, and some of which we didn’t believe we would make it through, but I’m blessed to say that we did and we are now stronger than we have ever been before. I love him with every beat of my heart, and I cannot wait to share my future with him.
Losing any of them, or anyone that I truly love and care about, honestly, would be difficult for me. I’ve struggled my entire life with being able to let go, and as someone who also bottles up my emotions, it’s unbearable. I know that I will probably have to deal with this at some point, but I truly hope that it is not for a very, very long time.
#3: Losing Everything, Including Myself
Let me elaborate on this one a bit so that it is not misconstrued. Having mental illness can be terrifying. I never know when or if I will have a mental break, need to be hospitalized, or if it will get worse. I could even develop new symptoms, or receive another diagnosis. For me, I’ve seen a lot of movies and TV shows that have had characters with mental illnesses. With that said, seeing some of them has really broken my heart, especially as a mother.
Some examples of what I’m referring to would be Olivia in The Haunting of Hill House. Although our symptoms are different, my fear is the same – having a mental break, my children seeing or hearing it, and/or suicide. Another would be Toby in This Is Us. At one point, he and Kate were TTC (trying to conceive), so he stopped taking his anti-depressants. Watching his depression get really dark and bad again was something all too familiar for me. The last example that I will use would be Ian in Shameless who suffers from bipolar disorder. Although I do not have bipolar disorder, I can relate to the crazy high’s and low’s, as well as the paranoia that can come from suffering with mental illness.
It’s not easy living with mental illness, but it is a fight that I’m determined to win. For myself, for my child, and for my family. Too many lives are lost due to the incredible cost associated with treatment for mental illness, as well as the lack of love, support, and education from the loved ones of someone with mental illness.
Please, if someone you know or love has been diagnosed, do your research. Learn about their diagnosis, and have a talk with them. Find out ways that you can help them, or that they can lean on your during the difficult times. Do not lose someone you love. Fight along side them.
Day 16 coming soon.